


Like a Dead Star

by moomkin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn - Timothy Zahn, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017), Thrawn: Alliances
Genre: Gen, Suicide, Thrawn Alliances - Freeform, where is Eli Vanto?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:02:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11784666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moomkin/pseuds/moomkin
Summary: Eli Vanto reaches Chiss space, never having realized the extent to which Thrawn lied to him about his past.(originally written and posted before Thrawn Alliances came out, but this seems like a morbid explanation for why Eli doesn't make an appearance in the new novel)





	1. Chapter 1

__

_When you blow out,_  
_Like a dead star,_  
_It reminds me how uniform_  
_Your beautiful is._  
Matthew Good, Giant

~~~~~~~

The ship settled with a noticeable halt of motion, and Eli held his breath.

_Well, this is it. Time to make a good impression._

It was one of those things his parents had driven into his subconscious, and only now did he realize how much they continued to influence his character. Even though they stood on different ideological platforms. Even if he hadn’t spoken to them in years. For better or worse, they were still a part of him… hopefully he’d held onto the best parts and abandoned the worse.

Eli chided himself with a faint smile.

_Abandoned the worse._

Here he was, further than he’d ever been – perhaps further than any other human had ever been – on the wishes of an alien who he’d served under for his entire Imperial career, to help his people fight for their right to exist. If there was ever proof he’d abandoned his parents’ xenophobia and distrust of nonhumans, this was it.

Eli took another deep breath, and pulled the lever to lower the ramp of his shuttle.

The hiss of hydraulics and the venting of steam made his arrival on the Chiss landing platform more dramatic than a Wild Space farmboy like him probably warranted. The blue-skinned strangers awaiting his arrival certainly looked more than a little impressed. Or perhaps that was due to the knowledge that Mitth’raw’nuruodo had specifically singled him out to aid them.

And what exactly _was_ their opinion of Thrawn?

Despite spending nearly every waking moment of the past seven years within arm’s length of the Chiss officer, Eli had learned precious little about Thrawn’s life amongst his people. What Eli knew was that some time long ago, Thrawn had been exiled by his own people for launching a preemptive strike against an evil enemy. How those relations had improved over the years, Eli couldn’t guess. What he assumed was that Thrawn’s predictions on the levity of the evil had come true, and the Chiss Ascendency was desperate for help. 

Whether or not Eli would be able to provide it, only time would tell.

The welcoming party was small. Two black-uniformed Chiss males, standing on either side of a black-uniformed male officer, and a white-garbed female. Eli recognized her from the comm. 

“Admiral Ar’alani,” Eli said, stopping before her and smiling faintly. He didn’t want to appear indifferent, to what must have been an incredibly difficult time for the Chiss, and only too late realized that perhaps smiling was too “familiar” of an expression to wear when meeting such a high-ranking officer.

“Eli Vanto,” the admiral said coolly. Eli’s smile broadened slightly in embarrassment at the handling of his name. There was a long and quite deliberate pause in-between his first and last names, as though they were two completely different ideas, not at all like the flowy, melodic way Chiss names were pronounced.

There was a momentary pause and Eli realized the intention behind his brief smile must have been more apparent that he’d intended. Ar’alani’s eyes had narrowed slightly, the pride on her features flashing warningly. Eli had spent enough time around Thrawn to know that in Chiss that might as well have been a slap across the face.

Quickly, he stammered uncomfortably, “I’m glad to be here and uh… to play whatever role I can to assist you…”

“Mitth’raw’nuruodo certainly thinks you will play the determining part,” she said coldly.

_Great first impression._

“This is Lieutenant Murofu’oro’ratu, he has been assigned to be your aide,” Admiral Ar’alani continued, the icy edge still on her words. She gestured to the officer standing on her right side, a tall, almost gangly looking Chiss officer, who stood with nearly stone-line stillness, displaying an almost ridiculous degree of discipline. 

“Nice to meet you,” Eli said to the officer indicated. “Mu…. Rofu….. I…” he laughed a little in embarrassment. “You may need to say your name for me a few times before I get it right.”

“I’m honored for the post which Mitth’raw’nuruodo has assigned me,” Murofu’oro’ratu said, moving his right hand rigidly to a point on the left side of his chest, in what was certainly a well-practiced salute.

Eli’s brow furrowed slightly, the smile widened on his face, both confused and trying his very best to be polite about it. 

“I hadn’t realized Mitth’raw’nuruodo had the power to assign officers to posts,” Eli said good naturedly. “Guess things have patched up quite nicely since he was exiled.”

Eli hadn’t expected the sudden shift of expression on the four Chiss faces. It was a mixture between disgust, shock, and discomfort. It wasn’t an expression he’d ever seen on Thrawn’s face, so Eli had no way to place it.

But if offending a commanding officer to her face had only warranted the slightest shift in emotion, then Eli knew he’d stumbled upon something much more serious.

“Exile?” Murofu’oro’ratu said, turning to Ar’alani for guidance. 

Her lips only compressed, as though visibly showing that she intended to keep her lips sealed on this one.

Eli’s heart rate kicked up a notch, a white-hot bolt of panic striking his nerves. 

“Yeah… exile,” Eli said, turning his head slightly, piercing Ar’alani with a deadly serious look. The smile had vanished from his face. “That’s what Thrawn said had happened to him. That he’d been exiled. This a touchy subject?”

“The Chiss are a people of principle,” Murofu’oro’ratu said, his voice both hurt and proud. “We do not exile our-”

Ar’alani barked something in Cheunh at Murofu’oro’ratu, who quickly snapped back to attention. It only served to ramp up Eli’s growing alarm.

“Come, Eli Vanto,” Ar’alani said, and took a half-step to the side. Eli’s fear was quickly forgotten in the boil of rage taking over his thoughts. _She’s avoiding the question. Deflecting. Hoping I’m too stupid to keep pressing for the answers._

“Now you stop right there,” Eli said, reaching out to grab her arm. The next instant, both Chiss guards had drawn their blasters. But Eli did not let go. “I asked you a question. _Answer it_.”

Ar’alani looked down at his hand in abhorrence, then glared daggers at him, but Eli only glared back. Whatever impression they had gotten from his smiles and stumbled apologies, that was gone. 

“I don’t obey the demands of a human,” Ar’alani said finally. It was the wrong answer.

“Yeah, I bet,” Eli bit out. “What’s wrong? Too proud to admit you made a mistake?”

“What mistake are you referring to?” Ar’alani asked.

Frustration at her continued deflection only made Eli angrier. “Exiling Thrawn.”

Maybe she realized Eli wouldn’t let the matter drop. Maybe she didn’t care that Eli was clearly upset by it.

“Mitth’raw’nuruodo was never exiled from the Chiss Ascendency,” she said, wrenching her arm free of Eli’s grasp, though the statement itself had been enough of a shock that Eli’s grip had loosened on its own. At her side, Murofu’oro’ratu blew out a noticeable sigh of relief. 

Eli felt his knees grow weak at her statement. There was no lie in her words. Her eyes pierced his, reading the emotions there. 

“W-what?” Eli finally managed to ask. “What do you mean by that?”

“You don’t want to believe it?” Ar’alani said. “Very well, I will be more than happy to elaborate. We agreed an exiled alien, cut from all ties of loyalty or duty to his home world, would serve as the best cover to infiltrate the Empire. We selected a planet within the Imperial’s patrol, and after a few unsuccessful attempts to lure them in, we finally succeeded.”

She seemed to smile briefly at the look of disbelief on Eli’s face.

Her eyes narrowed further, adding contemptuously. “Whatever lie Mitth’raw’nuruodo told you, he must have believed you were unworthy to know the truth. Not surprisingly really. Initially he thought you were little more than a spy sent by some Neimoidians he hadn’t answered to. He merely wanted to keep a close eye on you in case you intended to blow the cover on his entire operation.” 

“That’s not true,” Eli said quickly, the anger of his words unable to mask the fear behind them. The look of condescending amusement on Ar’alani’s face bore into him, feeding his anger.

Again, Eli’s chest was heaving, his heart slamming rapidly against his ribs. His eyes stung bitterly, in a sudden wave of disbelief and betrayal. She had to be lying. She didn’t like him… she was only speaking out because he’d insulted her….

Eli struggled to keep his eyes open, even as his vision swam… this would be just like him… to get so frustrated that his eyes would water… His heart had become stone… a heavy thing in his chest, the weight of it sinking in his body.

No… no matter how much he didn’t want to believe it… he knew it was the truth. 

Even as he admitted it to himself, Eli bared his teeth and turned his head away.

Thrawn… who he’d given up everything for… his career, a chance to have friends, his own parents… had only been using him. Manipulating him. Acting like a friend, when all he’d been doing was moving him into a position that would ultimately benefit Thrawn…

“I… I’m sorry,” Eli said finally. “I have to go.”

“Go?” Ar’alani was genuinely surprised.

“I can’t stay here,” he said. He turned back to his shuttle, only to hear the sound of weapons being charged. He turned back around, to see the two Chiss guards aiming their blasters at his chest.

“That cannot be allowed,” Ar’alani said. “Your ship has the coordinates for the boundaries of Chiss space and we cannot risk that information falling into the wrong hands.”

Eli felt his heart sink again as the two guards moved to flanking positions, as though ready to shoot him. As though they knew he was going to react aggressively.

“Did Mitth’raw’nuruodo not tell you?” Ar’alani asked. “This was a one-way trip.”


	2. chapter 2

_When the bad moon in your heart sings_

_and your wind up gears start grinding_

Matthew Good, Giant

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The standoff only lasted a few moments, but Eli’s mind was racing through a thousand different thoughts, making it feel like it might go on forever.

The immediate threat to his safety was thankfully overwhelming his desire to think through all the information he’d just been given, but the emotions stirred up by the information was not as easy to cover up. He glared between the two guards, wondering if Thrawn had ever explained whether or not Chiss blasters had a stun feature on them.

Or if they would even bother to stun him.

His eyes flickered back to his shuttle. He _could_ make a run for it. It was entirely possible he could get aboard before they managed to land a shot… and then what? Would they allow him to fly away? Would they shoot him down before he could reach hyperspace?

_Did Mitth’raw’nuruodo not tell you? This was a one-way trip._

No… they’d shoot him down.  
Eli’s stomach turned at the very thought. Wrenching his eyes from his shuttle, he returned his attention to the two guards. 

They remained where he’d left them, standing at 45-degree angles at his sides. _Clever._ If they shot him, they would miss each other, but they were perfectly placed to physically stop him from running away, too. Or attacking their commander.

“Come,” Admiral Ar’alani said before Eli could decide whether or not fighting would be a good idea. “There’s nothing more you can do. Even if you left here, where would you go? You have left the Imperial Navy, which will mark you as a deserter anywhere you might choose to go in your galaxy, a traitor to be captured and executed, and you’ve abandoned your family-”

“Thrawn told you all that, did he?” Eli said darkly.

Ar’alani’s eyes flashed again at the casual mention of Thrawn’s core name, but said nothing. It was enough to push Eli over the edge.

“Was all that a part of his plan, too?” Eli shouted. “Get my life in such a mess I’d have no choice but to stick around and help you?”

“There are worse things in the galaxy than-”

But that was all Eli could take.

It was the same line he’d heard Thrawn say. When Eli was troubled to find out the Empire was using slaves…. Thrawn had appeared to have an authentic desire to alleviate his discomfort. He’d tried to put it into perspective. _There are worse things in the galaxy. For better or worse, we need the Empire to be strong. There’s too much at stake to throw it all away over this._

And Eli had swallowed his objections because he trusted Thrawn.

_Trusted._

The very idea didn’t just hurt.

The pain was so palpable, a hit from a Chiss blaster couldn’t be so bad.

Eli lunged forward, drawing his right fist back, a scream of complete outrage and agony on his voice. He didn’t have a plan. He didn’t even have the common sense to know this was a stupid idea. The only thing he wanted was to wake up. To open his eyes and realize it was all a dream. And punching that Chiss admiral in her lying mouth seemed the best way.

The guards didn’t fire their weapons. They didn’t have to. Ar’alani stood impassively at Eli’s approach, and when he was within range, her leg snapped up to deliver a crushing kick to his side. Eli doubled over instantly.

The next moment, Eli was slammed on the ground, the two guards both piled on top of him. He struggled to regain his freedom, but the wind had been knocked out of him. Just trying to regain his breath was taking most of his energy. One guard pressed his hand on the side of Eli’s face, keeping his head to the ground, as the other wrestled to gain positive control over his hands.

The battle was over quickly, and Eli was hauled up to his feet.

He glared as angrily as he could at Ar’alani, and she glared back with an equal vehemence. 

Her eyes flicked to the guards. 

“Take him to his quarters. We’ll see how cooperative he is when he’s had a chance to cool down.”

The guards took their first step, and Eli planted his feet. It did nothing. The guards were stronger, and were able to drag him along without his help. But Eli wanted to show just how uncooperative he was willing to be. He regained his step, and then threw his right foot in front of the guard on his right. The three of them toppled to the floor.

Another wrestling match which Eli lost, and he was again hauled to his feet.

“I’ll _never_ cooperate,” Eli said, wrenching his shoulders but unable to get out of the guard’s grip. 

“When you see what we are fighting, your convictions will change,” Ar’alani said.

“Yeah, I hope I get to see it,” Eli said, pouring all of his pain into his words, hoping they hurt her as badly as her words had hurt him. “I hope what you’re fighting is as bad as you say it is, and that I get to see this evil destroy your world, and enslave your people. And you get to watch everything you care about burn down all around you.”

Ar’alani was not amused. “After which they’ll invade your Empire.”

“You already told me I have nothing to go back to,” Eli said. “So what do I care?”

Ar’alani gave the guards a quick nod. While she herself turned and walked away, Murofu’oro’ratu following her, the guards continued on their original path. Eli struggled again the moment the guards started walking, feeling the hands on him tightening vicelike around his body.

They were much stronger than him, too strong to give them much trouble by resisting.

And for whatever reason, somewhere beyond the edge of his consciousness, Eli _wanted_ them to hurt him. It wasn’t a logical thing to want, that was for sure. But it did something, intangibly, to help release the pain he was feeling. He didn’t want to cooperate with them. And giving the guards a hard time kept his mind focused on something other than why he was resisting them in the first place.

Eli tried tripping up the guards again, but they’d learned their lesson. Both stopped immediately. The one on the left gave the one on the right instructions in Cheunh, and Eli couldn’t process what it was in time.

The blow to the back of his head wasn’t strong enough to knock him out, but he still fell to the ground with stars swimming in his vision. He tried to lift his head, but it was heavy… impossibly heavy. The next thing he felt were the guards grabbing his arms again, this time making much better progress dragging him across the floor.

Eli woke with a start to find himself in a bed, tucked under the covers. He couldn’t remember how he got to where he was, and for a blissful few minutes, he had forgotten everything that had happened the previous day.

The room was a good distraction. It wasn’t a detention cell, he discovered as he lifted his head and scanned his surroundings, but actual living quarters. But why did he assume he’d wake up in a detention cell?

Eli sat up, and found he was wearing what he assumed were some kind of pajamas. Or were they a prisoner’s uniform? His eyebrows knit together as he wondered why he would assume that… 

No, there was his uniform, folded neatly on a dresser on the other side of the room. He got carefully out of bed, feeling a sudden slam of pressure swell inside his head, and he sat back down. Eli reached back to rub the point where the throbbing seemed to be coming from, only to pull his hand away in alarm. There was a knot at the back of his head.

And then it all came back to him.

Arriving in Chiss space, landing his shuttle on the enormous, alien craft, being greeted by Ar’alani… and what she said… about Thrawn. That their entire relationship was just a manipulation, a long game played to bring him to this spot…

Eli sank down on the bed. The pounding in his head was barely noticeable over the tightness in his chest. His entire core was constricting, as though his ribs were doing their part to squeeze the life out of his heart. 

It couldn’t be true… it just didn’t make any sense.

Thrawn had thought he was a spy? How did that even make sense? It _didn’t_ make sense. Thrawn was better than to assume something as ridiculous as that. Who would have known Thrawn was on that planet? With enough time to find a spy, who would know Thrawn could speak Sy Bisti… 

Eli winced as another thought crossed his mind. 

The markers he’d been studying. If the entire hut was just a fabrication, then someone knew that the markers would be written in Sy Bisti… if Eli _had_ been a spy… then him showing up and being able to read them…

 _No_. Eli didn’t want to believe it. Thrawn was smarter than that. It would take a ridiculous amount of foresight to be able to place Eli on a ship that just happened to come across Thrawn’s exile planet. Neimoidians weren’t _that_ smart.

Eli winced again. Unless they were part of the plan from the beginning. And they knew the planet. And they knew the plan. And…

Eli’s memories flashed to the first time he sat down to talk with Thrawn aboard the _Strikefast_. He’d been absolutely terrified to be alone with him, one on one. The myths he’d grown up with, the coldhearted ruthlessness of the proud warriors… he was scared. And then the questions came. The questions had changed his opinions… they had softened his heart.

Thrawn kept asking him about himself. His childhood, his upbringing. It had changed Eli’s opinions so effortlessly. He’d assumed Thrawn _had_ been exiled… he assumed Thrawn was absolutely desperate for a friend. Wanting to know who he was because Thrawn was scared and alone after years of being in exile and needing a friendly presence in his life.

And now, all those memories were like poison.

Thrawn hadn’t been looking for a friend. He’d been interrogating him. Trying to find out if he was a spy.

And when Thrawn asked the Emperor to assign Eli as his translator? Eli gave an involuntary sob at that thought. As angry as he’d been at the time to see his life being altered without his input, he’d forgiven Thrawn… because he thought Thrawn was scared to be alone. An exiled alien, in a world he didn’t know or understand… Eli had assumed Thrawn was willing to risk angering the Emperor himself because being alone again was more terrifying than death. 

And now… to realize that hadn’t been the case. That Thrawn just wanted Eli under his thumb, in case he “planned to blow the cover over his attempts to infiltrate the Empire.”

Eli couldn’t stop the memories from coming. Their time at the Academy… Eli had given up the opportunity to make friends because sticking by Thrawn had felt like the right thing to do. Was that all a manipulation, too? Did Thrawn see Eli’s heart of gold, and know Eli wouldn’t do anything to outright hurt him….

And what about Thrawn’s attempts to help him see things tactically? Eli had assumed Thrawn was trying to draw out hidden talents, so that Eli could be a better person. A more confident person. But even the memories Eli had of himself, of him standing tall and proud, beaming at his own accomplishments… that was all just manipulation, too, wasn’t it? Thrawn didn’t care if Eli got better, unless there was a way it would end up benefiting Thrawn…

Eli laid back down on the bed, wrapping his arms around himself. His entire adult life… everything about it had been a lie. The suffering he’d gone through, holding true to their friendship despite the constant hardships it put him through, staying by Thrawn’s side through thick and thin, sticking up for Thrawn and getting nothing but pain for it… all of it had been for nothing. 

All he had left was nothing.

Because Ar’alani was right. There was nothing for Eli to go back to. Thrawn had asked Eli to abandon the Empire with hardly a few hours notice. He’d been obviously troubled. Something big had happened. Thrawn had said Eli was in danger. And Eli trusted him.

Leaving like that was desertion. Ar’alani was right. If Eli went back to the Empire, he’d be tried for treason. He would be sentenced to death. Did Thrawn know that? Of course he did. Another manipulation. Eli was probably never in any danger, but Thrawn knew he trusted him… and leaving in such a way would make it impossible for him to ever leave the Chiss.

And his parents? Eli had cut relations with them years earlier. They had never trusted Thrawn, had constantly pointed out how Eli had suffered as a result of his relationship with the alien… and Eli… had assumed they were just xenophobic, closed minded… but they’d been right. 

The loneliness crashed down on top of him, manifesting itself as a real, physical sensation of being crushed under its weight. Eli struggled just to breath. Before he could stop himself, he was sobbing. Feeling sorry for himself. Feeling like an idiot for being so good natured… so many times his parents had warned him his “heart of gold” would lead to disaster… and they were right.

The door to his quarters opened and Eli lifted his head.

It was Murofu’oro’ratu, holding a tray of food.

Instantly Eli was on his feet, his face burning with rage.

“GET OUT,” he screamed. The heart of gold, which would have twisted in shame at the way his words caused Murofu’oro’ratu to balk, was dead.

“I have brought-”

“I SAID GET OUT,” Eli said, slapping the tray out of Murofu’oro’ratu’s hands. And when the Chiss didn’t react, obviously too startled to, Eli shoved him back through the doorway as hard as he could. 

“Th-they said you would be more cooperative-” Murofu’oro’ratu tried to explain.

“OUT!”

And the door slid closed before he had a chance to lay hands on the Chiss again. Eli glared at the door, his hands slapping instinctively to where a door release would be located if he were in his part of the galaxy. Only there wasn’t one. Anywhere.

He wasn’t even being housed in living quarters. It _was_ a detention cell. A manipulation like everything else.

Eli screamed wordlessly at the door, at his life, at everything. But there was nothing he could do. He was trapped – physically and figuratively. 

Before Eli’s anger was spent, he had trashed his entire room. The distraction only held off the inevitable. Because once his anger had ebbed away, all he had left was that crippling depression. His screams of rage replaced by sobs of self-hatred, and he sank to the floor, curling his arms around himself, knowing he was truly and absolutely alone. 

The only power he had left was to refuse to cooperate. Thrawn had gambled on his good nature to forgive him. Thrawn had assumed Eli would put his own emotions aside for the “bigger cause.” But Thrawn would be wrong.

Eli would make sure of it. Even if it meant innocents would die, even if it meant the entire Empire would collapse and burn in chaos, Eli would never cooperate with Thrawn again.


	3. chapter 3

_Shake me,  
I’m waiting_  
\- Matthew Good, _Giant_

~~~~~~~~~~

Thrawn was noticeably distracted all week. No one asked what the problem could be.

Most of them already knew.

Though Thrawn made no remark about the occurrence, rumors had circulated throughout the _Chimaera_. Commander Eli Vanto, the Grand Admiral’s longtime aide and right-hand man, had simply vanished.

The rumors contained only half-truths. That he had deserted the Empire after the costly victory at Batonn. That he’d stolen a shuttle to get away. That he had defected to the Rebellion. Thrawn would never tell them the true purpose of Commander Vanto’s disappearance. It was one of those times where the rumors were more helpful than facts.

And so the officers assumed Thrawn’s absent-mindedness was due to the betrayal of a trusted friend. In actuality, Thrawn had been silently counting down the days to when he predicted Eli would reach Chiss space. As long as Eli followed the instructions he’d written out in his journal, his arrival would be that evening. Once he had been relieved of duty, Thrawn was planning to contact Admiral Ar’alani and ensure that Eli arrived and was settling in as best as he could.

His anticipation for that conversation commanded all of his attention.

“Sir?” It was Commander Faro.

“Yes?” Thrawn asked, shaken out of his thoughts. “Forgive me, my mind was… occupied with other matters.”

His answer, Thrawn noticed, was enough to cause several of the others on the bridge to turn to their closest neighbors and begin whispering.

By the time he was safely retired to his own quarters, Thrawn could hardly recall what had happened during the day. It was of little concern. 

Getting the means to contact the Chiss Ascendency had been terrifically difficult. Thrawn had never made the journey himself. The time required was far more than he could justifiably take for leave, even as a Grand Admiral. And under no circumstances were the Chiss to be seen on any worlds controlled by the Empire.

Yet, piece by piece, a Chiss holoprojector had been constructed, equipped with the proper scrambling devices to ensure any conversations would not be overheard. Nor could trajectories be traced. Though that was mostly unnecessary. The language would be unidentifiable to anyone with the capacity to listen, and the alien equipment, operating on alien technology, made it undetectable to anything the Empire possessed.

Still, Thrawn was careful when using it. Even after instructing his stormtrooper guard not to allow anyone to disturb him, Thrawn locked the door from the inside himself, plus the door to his office and bedroom.

Not to mention activating his assassin droids. 

Brimming with an emotion that could have been excitement, Thrawn sent out the call. It was answered almost immediately, Admiral Ar’alani’s impassioned face looking back at his.

“In the name of all who serve the-“ was all Thrawn was able to get out.

“That will do,” Ar’alani said, dismissing Thrawn’s greeting with a wave of her hand. “Why are you calling?”

Thrawn narrowed his eyes slightly, trying to read Ar’alani’s emotion. She had never been terribly fond of humans, but there was something more to her coldness than that.

“Do not tell that Commander Vanto has yet to arrive,” Thrawn said. 

“Oh, he’s arrived,” Ar’alani said. Thrawn picked up the new tone on her voice immediately. “Made quite a mess of things aboard my ship. I thought you said he was tame.”

Thrawn clenched his jaw at Ar’alani’s flippant xenophobic remarks, but knew this wasn’t the time to test her patience. “Commander Vanto is quite civilized.”

“If that’s how they define civilization in that corner of the universe,” Ar’alani said. 

Again, Thrawn ignored her scorn. “What has happened?”

“I have already told you _Commander_ Thrawn. He has made a mess of things. He is uncooperative and resistant. He attempted to restrain me. Attacked two of my guards and Lieutenant Fuoror. Thoroughly destroyed his quarters. And the only words he will speak to anyone is wishing death and destruction upon the Chiss people.” 

“That is not Commander Vanto,” Thrawn said, eyes narrowing further.

“He knew your name, your _proper_ name,” Ar’alani countered. “And came reasonably close to pronouncing it correctly.”

Thrawn did a quick mental evaluation of the shuttle he’d sent Eli away in. He’d been careful not to leave any evidence of his own hand in Eli’s departure. Even within his journal, he never mentioned himself by name, let alone used his full Chiss name. 

Then again, the Emperor knew Thrawn’s full name.

“Describe him.”

Ar’alani’s description was so vague it could have described _any_ human, until she mentioned the freckles. No matter how unlikely the idea was, if somehow agents of the Empire had discovered Thrawn’s plan, and had somehow intercepted Eli’s shuttle, it would have been reasonable to suspect they could find someone who could speak Sy Bisti… but the same human also having freckles… 

Then it was Eli Vanto who had shown up in Chiss space… invited on Thrawn’s word and operating under his name and trust… and _destroyed_ his quarters? Attacked the other Chiss? Wanted to see the Chiss people destroyed?

“What did you do?”

Ar’alani’s eyes flashed in anger. “Don’t forget, no matter what title these aliens have bestowed upon you, _Commander,_ I still outrank you here.”

“I will ask again, _Admiral_ ,” Thrawn repeated through clenched teeth. “What did you do?”

“You presume this alien misbehaves solely because of me.”

“He acted rashly in response to something,” Thrawn said. 

“I did nothing more than tell him facts,” Ar’alani said. “It was _he_ who came aboard _my_ ship and started making demands.”

“Demands?” 

“Yes. Wanted me to apologize on behalf of the Chiss Ascendency for your exile.”

“My exile?” Thrawn echoed.

“Your exile. Or, you mean, your staged exile? I guess you could never find a free moment over the past couple of years to clear that up before sending him our way?” 

“I hadn’t planned-“ Thrawn cut himself off, and redirected his explanation, “I clarified everything in my journal.”

“Oh, yes, I’ve read it. It’s surprisingly scant on blunt details.”

“It could have been accessed by an untrusted source. I had hoped Commander Vanto would have been able to work out the truth.”

“Hoped and failed, and now I’ve got an alien on my hands who I can’t control. Pity you found it more convenient to continue playing with these aliens instead of coming to your people’s aid.” 

Thrawn’s lips tightened, and his brow furrowed. He was beginning to see what had happened. “You are unhappy with my choices.”

“You said you would be coming back with _ships_ ,” Ar’alani said. “Ships the likes no one had ever seen. With enough firepower to protect our fleet and retake Csilla. And instead, what we get is a single alien. Not even _you,_ empty handed-”

“I have developed Eli’s abilities-”

“This alien is not _you._ Your people need _you._ What could possibly be more important?”

“The Emperor has been building a secret weapon with enough firepower to destroy a planet,” Thrawn said.

“Impossible.”

“I confronted him myself about it.”

“And yet you remain allied to him?”

“If the Empire wins against the Rebellion, he could very well turn this weapon against us. It is my intentions to see that he cannot.”

“How do you propose he attacks us? I believe we made it quite clear that you would never reveal the location of our worlds to the Empire.”

“It may not be intentional. The information could be taken from me.”

“They would torture you for it?”

“Possibly, yes. But I have reasons to believe the Emperor may be a Jedi.”

The word hung on the air.

“Do I even bother to ask why you believe that?”

“When I confronted him about the Death Star. He asked me questions. After each one, my mind was filled with thoughts I did not have on my own volition. I involuntarily reflected on my fears that the Empire would attack our people, and he echoed my thoughts to me. It would not be farfetched to believe he could map a route to Csilla with similar probing.”

“If you leave now, we won’t have to test that theory.”

“If I leave now, the innocent in this galaxy will suffer. _Billions_ of people. Not combatants. But the elderly. Children. I will not tarnish my character to leave them to that fate.”

“Then why send us the human?”

“To be out of harm’s way. The Emperor forced me to dwell on my own weaknesses. Of things that could be used against me. And my thoughts fell upon him.

“It was clear to me that if Eli remained in the Empire, terrible things would happen to him to ensure that my own disapproval of the Death Star would not interfere with Imperial plans.”

“And you couldn’t have even taken five minutes to tell him-”

“No,” Thrawn said. “Once I was aboard my ship, I received word that a squad of deathtroopers had been brought aboard as well. They were looking for Commander Vanto. I had enough time to locate him, bring him to a shuttle, and hand him my datapad. I did not even dare to risk a moment for a proper farewell.

“So I will ask you again. What did you do to upset him?”

“As I said, he grabbed my arm and attempted to restrain me, demanding I apologize in the name of the Chiss Ascendency for exiling you. He was fairly smug about it, too.”

Thrawn’s eyes narrowed to slits. “So you sought to destroy him?”

“I told him the truth. That you were never exiled. That your sole purpose in the Empire was to determine its ability to assist us in our struggles. He found it quite difficult to accept.”

Thrawn tried to imagine Eli… he knew that human better than any other being in the galaxy. He simply couldn’t see that one thing leading to such a drastic shift in character.

“What else?”

“He became quite fixated on the idea that you never trusted him,” Ar’alani continued, a microscopic smile crossing her lips. “I merely pointed out my lack of surprise over that, seeing that you initially kept him close to discover whether or not he was sent to spy on you.”

Thrawn hissed at the holoprojector, mouth open, teeth bared. Ar’alani even titled her head back momentarily at his outburst.

“That was not the only reason,” Thrawn said, the hiss still on his voice. “He could have known any one of the other humans whom we have had contact with. He could have been a survivor of Outbound Flight. He could have-”

“Explain to me why you felt that it was my responsibility to clarify all this?” Ar’alani asked coolly.

“It wasn’t your responsibility to tell him half-truths either,” Thrawn said. “You could have said nothing at all. You could have waited for me to contact you.”

Thrawn waited for Ar’alani to answer – he wasn’t expecting an apology, but some kind of word of accepting partial responsibility for what had happened would have been enough. Instead, Ar’alani titled her head, a faint smile on her lips.

“Do you find this humorous?” Thrawn bit out.

“In fact, I do,” Ar’alani said. “Because the situation now requires you to return home. So it would appear as though I’ll get my wish after all.”

“You will?”

“Your alien vowed he won’t eat until we allow him to leave,” Ar’alani said. “Which you know we will not do. So unless you come here and fix this situation, he’ll be dead.”


	4. chapter 4

_We carry on like it's easy,  
And I'm your man,  
Baby  
I'm your man_  
Matthew Good, _Giant_

~~~~~~~~~~~

Eli Vanto’s hunger strike lasted just shy of a full standard day. No matter how angry he was at the situation, he’d never known hunger – true hunger – before. 

And the Chiss knew it. 

The moment he forced his way over to his bedroom door and asked as politely as he could for something to eat, a tray of food was ready for him. Eli accepted it as humbly as he could, wincing through his words as his eyes fell on the mess he’d made of things the previous times a meal was brought to him. He hadn’t exactly been an easy guest.

He brought his food to the small kitchenette in his combination quarters and cell, eating thoughtfully. The food was interesting, to say the least. The flavors difficult to place. Even describing them felt inadequate, but they were flavors he could get used to eating. 

_Get used to._ Was that all his future held for him? Being bounced from one person to the next, fulfilling whatever task they expected of him until he was no longer useful? He sat in silence and continued to eat, his eyes once again falling on the mess he’d made the previous day. 

Just because he’d given up on the hunger strike idea didn’t mean he needed to give up entirely. And a new plan, a much more disturbing plan, popped into his mind. He mulled it over as he finished his meal, and by the time he was done, he was certain it was the only way. 

When Eli brought his cleared tray back to the door, he complained of a headache, and asked for some kind of painkiller to deal with it. Within minutes, his assigned aide, Murofu’oro’ratu, returned and handed him a couple of capsules. 

“If you are feeling better, perhaps-”

“No,” Eli said bluntly. “Whatever it is, I’m not interested.”

“But….” Murofu’oro’ratu looked a little strained as he spoke. “We’ve let Commander Mitth’raw’nuruodo know you’re feeling better and-” 

“I’m not ready to speak with him,” Eli said. 

“But-“ 

“Not yet,” Eli said, his voice raising. “My head is pounding and I’m still angry. I need time to think things out.”

With a defeated huff, Murofu’oro’ratu answered, “That is reasonable.”

The Chiss hadn’t noticed Eli pocket the pills. 

Eli kept it going all week. He continued complaining of headaches, and he kept turning down every offer the Chiss made to answer Thrawn’s calls. Until he’d gone through nearly thirty meals – either the Chiss were trying to placate him with food, or else they really did eat five meals a day. It wasn’t until then that Eli was sure he would have enough. 

It wasn’t until then that he accepted the invitation to answer Thrawn’s call.

Eli was impressed with himself. He expected to be nervous, or scared. Or maybe a week’s worth of resolve had that kind of effect on him. 

He stayed out of the way as Chiss technicians brought in the pieces to their version of a holoprojector, wondering when Thrawn had managed to gather up the pieces for his own version. Or how he’d managed to keep that hidden. Then again, after more than a decade of keeping things hidden, maybe it just came naturally. 

“We have sent forward a message,” one of the technicians said in badly accented Sy Bisti. “When Mitth’raw’nuruodo sees our message, he will call. Maybe it takes long time.” 

“I’ll be patient,” Eli answered in the same language.

And waited. 

Sitting alone, patting his pocket for good measure, going over in his head what he wanted to say – Eli kept tensing up, bracing himself, as though expecting the floor to suddenly drop out from beneath him. This was going to be difficult. But it had to be done. 

It didn’t take long for a soft humming signal to sound. The tension vanished. Eli leaned forward, saw a tiny light flashing, and pushed the button next to it. 

He didn’t expect to get angry so fast. 

It came as a surge, flowing over him, washing away any sympathy that might have still been hiding in the corner of his heart. That initial gut reaction he’d had when learning the truth hit him as hard as it had the first time, and Eli could feel his face hardening into a scowl.

All from a mere glimpse of Thrawn. 

His mood didn’t improve when he noticed the way Thrawn reacted – the slight pulling back of his head, the subtlest widening of the eyes. Thrawn was surprised, or perhaps even startled. As if he expected Eli to have already gotten over everything. 

_Stay in control,_ Eli told himself, feeling his pulse pounding in his ears. He had to stay in control. Even if everything he thought he knew about Thrawn was a lie, one thing he knew hadn’t changed was the Chiss’s ability to exploit weaknesses. Eli had to stay in control. 

The moments dragged on. Eli decided then and there he wouldn’t make the first move or say the first word. Seeing Thrawn struggle, seeing him uncomfortable, made Eli feel just that much better. 

“Eli,” Thrawn finally said, his expressions softening, his eyebrows arching ever so slightly, his lips parting just so. The word was heavy with emotion. Confusion. Sympathy. He was clearly in pain. 

It was all Eli needed to hear to snap.

“What do you have to be upset about?” Eli snarled back, the way Thrawn microscopically flinched feeding Eli’s satisfaction, his desire to push as much of his pain onto Thrawn as he could. 

Eli waited for his explanation, those small changes of expression revealing how caught off guard Thrawn was. Eli watched the way those red eyes darted over his face, trying to read his expressions, and probably finding himself at a loss. Or facing someone he had never faced before. Eli knew he’d been furious with the Chiss before, but those other times his anger had been fleeting. Momentary. This was something different. 

“I can see you’re still angry with me, but if you-” Thrawn started.

“But if I what?” Eli mimicked. “If I just listen to you, I’ll see that getting lied to for years by someone who was supposed to be my friend wasn’t a bad thing after all? What, you’re going to tell me, that it was for the greater good? That I’m wrong? Being childish? Immature? Go on, then. Tell me. Tell me how stupid I am for being angry and ruining your little plans. 

“Because that’s all this is about, isn’t it? ‘Calm down this emotional, gullible human so he can go back to doing the job I told him to do.’ Because that’s all I’ve been to you. A tool. An object you just manipulate how you want, and now that it’s not working right, you actually have to pretend like you care.” 

Thrawn was silent another long moment. Most likely trying to figure out the best approach. 

”Eli, if you could please calm down a moment, we can talk-,” Thrawn tried again to start, his voice still soft. Gentle. Eli leapt on the opportunity. 

“Not a chance,” Eli snapped. “I know what that means. _We_ are not talking – what you mean is I just sit here, and listen, and you can spin your words any way you need to so I feel end up feeling guilty. For once, you can keep your damn mouth shut and listen to _me_ and answer _my_ questions. 

“So tell me, right now, yes or no – were you ever exiled?”

Thrawn hesitated a moment, before his expressions smoothed out, accepting the turn of the conversation. “No.” 

Eli tried to keep his emotions in check, to force the sense of betrayal into anger. Weakness now would mean falling apart. Anger would give him the strength he needed to press ahead. “And… when we first met… and you were asking me about my childhood… you were interrogating me. To see if I had been sent to spy on you.” 

Thrawn stared back as impassively as ever. “Amongst other reasons… yes.” 

Eli bowed his head, his face contorted into a growl as he fought back the sadness threatening to overwhelm him. Even if he’d been mulling over it for days, there had been that whisper in the back of his mind, whispering that perhaps Admiral Ar’alani had been merely trying to manipulate him. But now, that last hope had snapped. The last promise he’d clung to, in desperation that his life was just as he’d imagined it was, was gone. 

“And you dared to call me your friend?” Eli whispered, grimacing again at the vulnerability he let himself show. 

“Our friendship developed over time-” Thrawn started. Eli’s blood boiled at the tone on Thrawn’s voice – once again the Chiss imagined he was in control of the situation. He’d seen an opening and was going for it. 

“You think that’s all there was to it?” Eli yelled, pouring all the anger he could into his words. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through? What being your ‘friend’ is like? 

“Being your friend cost me everything. I had friends at Myomar, but I had to leave them because of you. I could have had friends at Royal Imperial… they acted just like you thought they would. Trying to prompt me to complain about you, and all I had to do was go along with it, and I might have had friends there-” 

“I suggested you do as much,” Thrawn put in. 

“My career…” Eli continued, not wanting to give Thrawn the chance to redirect the conversation. “No one could touch you, so they attacked me instead. And I put up with it, year after year after year, in every situation we were ever in, because I was your friend and I would rather take the blows than let anything hurt you. And even when I had the chance to escape, to live my own life, I stayed… because you were my friend. 

“Everyone tried to warn me, too,” Eli said, his anger gone. All he was fighting for now was not to just break down and cry. “Everyone tried to tell me, ‘don’t trust an alien, all he’s going to do is use you.’ I stopped talking to my parents because they’d never let the subject go… I thought they were just…” 

He needed a moment to just breath. To remember the script he’d developed in his head. Subconsciously he draped an arm over his shoulder, fingers digging into his shirt, as though giving himself a hug. 

“But they were right,” Eli said. And then had to pause again, biting hard on his lip, to hold back the grief threatening to make itself heard on his voice. 

“Eli-“ Thrawn tried. 

“You took my life from me,” Eli said, the dark glare returning to his eyes as he stared venomously at Thrawn. “You manipulated me, you manipulated the system, until _I_ became the person _you_ needed me to be. Never once asking me what _I_ wanted, what _you_ could have given up to make what _I_ wanted possible. 

“Maybe my dreams didn’t mean much compared to yours, but they were _my_ dreams, and I gave them up for you! And I never asked for _anything_ in return, because I thought you were my friend. You needed me… if I wasn’t there, you would never have lasted a year in the Navy… and you just used me. I gave up everything for you, and you’re sitting there, just waiting to ask me to do more. 

“Tell me, what did you ever suffer for being my friend?” Eli bit out. 

The pause was longer than it needed to be. They both knew the answer. 

“Nothing,” Thrawn said at last. 

“Nothing,” Eli repeated. “And you’re here to tell me that none of that matters. The only thing that I should care about is following your plan, is that it? Hey as long as the plan is important enough, then it doesn’t matter if I’m getting used.” 

Thrawn searched Eli’s face for a lingering moment before saying, “Eli, you are not yourself.”

”You only have yourself to blame,” Eli said. “Anything good I had… you used it all up.” He winced as a tear escaped his cheek, turning his head sharply away, hoping Thrawn hadn’t noticed. 

“You used me until there was nothing left… and you didn’t even notice you were doing it. It just… came so naturally to you. And now,” Eli went on. ”There’s only one thing left to do.” 

He reached into his pocket, a smile spreading on his face.

“The only way you’ll never use me again,” Eli said, purposely laying out his pocketful of pills. Seeing them all together for the first time – he had never risked so much as glancing at them while he was still gathering them – even he was a little startled with how many there were. 

Thrawn narrowed his eyes, but didn’t react. As though he couldn’t even begin to imagine their purpose. Until Eli swept the first ten or so into his mouth. 

“Eli… what are you-?” 

“You know what I’m doing,” Eli said. 

“Eli, listen, I can explain-” 

“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? One last chance to manipulate me? Sorry,” Eli said, popping another handful of pills in his mouth, swallowing them down quickly. “I guess you rubbed off on me somehow…. That aide you assigned me? Fufu, or whatever his name was… it’s easy to get well-meaning people to participate in your plans when they just want to help.” 

“Eli!” Thrawn said, much more desperately this time. “Stop this.” 

“Does it hurt yet?” Eli asked, finishing off the rest of the pills, swallowing hard. And waited to see what this was going to feel like. “How does it feel to have someone changing the course of your life?” 

“You don’t have to do this,” Thrawn pleaded. “Whatever you want-“ 

“It’s too late for that,” Eli said, blinking his eyes hard as his vision began to swim. “You had a week. A week to risk something, to give up something, for me. And you didn’t. Only now, at the end, are you willing to sacrifice anything.” 

“Eli, you’re wrong about me,” Thrawn tried. “And you know it. You wouldn’t think this would affect me at all if I didn’t care.” 

“You only care….that….I’m ….break your… plans,” Eli struggled to spit out. 

“Eli, please…. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything.” 

But by that time, Eli wasn’t listening. He was digging his feet into the ground, head leaned back, a grimace on his face. He could feel his heart lurching in his chest, each beat giving the sensation of falling. His fingers clawed at his chest, his original resolution failing in the face of his impending death. 

“Th-thra-a-awn,” Eli said, his voice catching haltingly in his throat. Yet he was desperate to get the name out. His teeth began chattering, and an overwhelming nausea hit him. Eli tried to focus on it, to encourage his stomach to revolt, but he couldn’t throw up. He collapsed out of his chair, curled up on the floor, riding each of his stomach’s heaves, wishing it would produce something, anything, that might extend his life. He was scared. Eli had never felt so terrified in his life. And the fear fueled directly into his regret. 

But it was too late. He was struggling against the sensation of his heart leaping in its beats. It was too much to draw a steady breath from, let alone talk. He glanced up at the table now a meter above him, the blue glow of the hologram… knowing that it would be the last thing he was going to see. He let that thought dominate his mind, and was almost thankful when he noticed the image fade slowly into darkness. 


End file.
